From Essays After Montaigne
As for me, I oftentimes forget these vaine offices; as one that endevoureth to abolish all maner of ceremonies in my house. Some will bee offended at it, what can I doe withall? I had rather offend a stranger once, than my selfe everie day; for it were a continuall subjection. To what end doe men avoid the servitude of Courts, and entertaine the same in their owne houses?
I have often seene men proove unmanerly by too much maners, and importunate by over-much courtesie. The knowledge of entertainment is otherwise a profitable knowledge. It is, as grace and beautie are, the reconciler of the first accoastings of society and familiarity: and by consequence, it openeth the entrance to instruct us by the example of others, and to exploit and produce our example, if it have any instructing or communicable thing in it.
As my father-in-law ably demonstrated, the essence of manners is to make others comfortable. Though this is simply stated, it can be exceedingly difficult to manage in practice. It requires a well-developed sense of empathy to understand what would make others comfortable and an open mind to make yourself comfortable with whatever that may be (because if you aren't at ease, you won't be able to put others at ease). Although manners must be based on some underlying dogma of politeness, any rigid system of manners will inevitably lack the necessary flexibility. Manners, much like faith, are an expression of intention rather than compliance with a static list of injunctions.
The undisputed master (or mistress) of manners defined in this way is Judith Martin (more popularly known as Miss Manners). She's able, with seemingly no effort, to counsel gracious behavior for people in every situation, from newly elected legislators to new fathers with laptops in the maternity ward, and from subjects of security searches to seminar and workshop participants faced with making the dreaded short introduction. Her extensive wisdom on these matters will only become more valuable as more and more social interactions cross cultural boundaries, and as our own culture descends into the miasma of the litigation of social mores.
7:53:16 AM 
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